What I want the other parents to know as my autistic son starts school

What I want the other parents to know as my autistic son starts school - boy holding hands with mother

I have debated, wavered. Usually, my urge is to overshare, to explain to the nth degree, to present my heart on a platter and hope that the absolute nature of the gesture makes people generous and kind. It is a compulsion that has caused me no small amount of heartache, in the past.

But this is different.

This morning, my son started primary school with fifty-nine or so other children in Reception. That is fifty-nine families, fifty-nine sets of mums, or dads, or mums and dads, or grandparents…hundreds of people who love those children the way I love my son – ferociously, unswervingly. We are now connected, those families and my family.

One day, I hope soon, my son may be friends with one of those children.

One day, my son may frighten one of those children.

One day, my son may disrupt a lesson with one of those children.

One day, before long, those children will notice that my son is different and they will tell their parents. They may say my son screamed and screamed and would not stop. They may say that there is a boy who shouts strange things and cannot sit still. They may say that there is a boy who flaps his hands and bangs the desk and who does not answer when they call his name or ask him to play. Those parents will learn, one way or another, that my son has autism.

I want to pour my heart out. I want to post a notice on the school gates. I want them to read every word I have ever written, to listen to every anecdote about my son, to learn everything about him, to understand him. I want them to know that he is funny and kind and worthwhile. But I also want to be just like any other mum, him to be just like any other boy. I want him to start school with a clean slate, to enter a classroom that is brimming with possibilities. I cannot decide whether I want the other parents to know everything about him – or nothing.

Of course, both are impossible.

Biggest in his uniform

There is no way for me to sum up my boy, encapsulate him in a way that means he will always be understood. Likewise, there is no way he will be ‘just’ like the other children. In truth, I would not want him to be. And so, I must reach a compromise. I will share only the most important things, tell those parents the information I most need them to know –

Please include him. Invite him to parties. Say hello if you meet us heading into school. But understand if he does not answer. Understand if we cannot come.

Please, do not judge him. Do not think he is unkind. Do not resent it when his emotions run wild. Sometimes, he cannot bear ‘pretend’. A classmate saying that they are a princess can be a tragedy, or a red flag. Bending the rules, inconsistencies, non-literal meanings – they may make him inconsolable with grief. Your children may perceive his behaviour as odd. He makes up words and loves nonsense and shouts gibberish phrases.

Your child may not understand him. They may even avoid him, because they do not understand his reactions, because they are scared. Teach them to accept him. Let them know that he does not dislike them, that he just sees the world a little differently.

Do not judge me. I am frightened. Frightened that he will always be lonely. Frightened that he will be overwhelmed with anxiety. Frightened that school will break him, and I will struggle to pick up the pieces. If you glimpse my parenting, if my reactions seem odd – understand that I know what I am doing. It has been hard – unrelenting – learning how best to manage when circumstances mean my little boy ceases to function. My son does not need more discipline. He needs understanding.

Lastly, if you are ever unsure how to explain, if our children’s paths cross and anything unsettles you, if anything makes you concerned or frustrated, ask me, talk to me or to their teacher. Have an open mind and a kind heart.

Our children will grow, learn, forge friendships and make the world a better place – together.



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13 thoughts on “What I want the other parents to know as my autistic son starts school

  1. Tyrus is now in year 2 and I felt all of your feelings when he started reception, I needn’t have worried as the entire class have accepted him for who he is, they invite him to every party even though they know he is unlikely to attend, they shout his name and wave across the playground knowing he won’t respond often, if ever. But they take care of him and remind him to go in for lunch, they chatter away to him for hours, so fingers crossed it will go just as well for you both xx

  2. Good luck for this huge milestone for your little boy, Danielle. Don’t be scared, honey. You’re doing your best, and that’s the best you can do. You can’t control everything and there might be hurdles along the way, but hopefully he’ll be happy in school. That’s all that matters xxx

  3. My eldest is quickly approaching the end of primary school. He has been different from the outset – no other child has their own helper – but he has been accepted and he and the other children has grown together. They have benefitted and learned from each other. And that’s so important. Love and hugs Danielle.

  4. Danielle I hope all is going well and that your little boy is settling into his class along with his peers. Undoubtedly there will be the ups and downs but I hope there are some understanding kids in his class who become his friends. Best wishes to you #SpectrumSunday

  5. Goodness!
    I was crying while reading this.
    Your a strong mother and I look up to you for that.
    Your kids are precious like any other kids.
    xoxo Lothy

  6. it is a fine balance between wanting to tell everyone everything and just communicating what people need to know. I find the best approach is to be open with other parents in the playground, not to make excuses and just tell things as they are when events arise, well usually ‘can’t explain now, will tell you tomorrow, text you later when things have calmed down’ #spectrumsunday

  7. Its such a difficult, yet very important decision to make. Like your son, our son has just started in reception. Though, we decided, for him, the best school to go to would be a SEN school.

    It was such a massive and hard decision. In the end though, it came down to what our son needs. He will probably experience things different to your son – but SEN schools are quite amazing these days. Last week he did a beach visit, horse riding and country walk.

    Hope your son loves his new school

  8. I just had parents evening last night and heard that some parents have complained about words my son is using, like shut up and how he shouts when he cannot remain patient. It is heart wrenching. He has no diagnosis as yet and they think that he is naughty and out of control. I want to scream to them that he is the most loving, sweet boy and he simply needs love.

    1. I am so sorry to hear that. It is heart breaking isn’t it? I guess we have to just keep fighting for that diagnosis and for understanding and giving them that love. The good ones will come around and they do not need the others in their life anyway. xxx

    2. Them parents have there point of view too though. You’re aloud to defend your kid and be sad. They habve the same right to defend there child and feel angry.. i dont know what the solution is though.

  9. My son is 44 he was not invited to any parties He want to a narmal playgroup but did not fit in. I was very upset when he went to a special nursery but was amazed how well he fitted in . I think he would have had a hard time at a narmal school

  10. I’m getting ready to send my 4yo to reception class. He’s awaiting a multidisciplinary assessment. You sum up my feelings nicely. I wish I could bundle him up and protect his loving kind soul forever, but I must give him a chance to fly.

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