I recently returned to my profession of twelve years after my second period of maternity leave: English teaching. I am the mother of two tiny people, a girl, aged one and a boy, aged three.
Parenthood is a job that requires us to give up almost all of our time and energy for the well-being of another. Teachers too are, by nature, givers. The desire to help others, to give something of ourselves up for their inspiration, their betterment, is at the heart of belonging in the classroom. So we find ourselves giving. And giving. And giving.
When I was a young and idealistic teacher, the pressures of the job were a price I was willing to pay for the unrivalled satisfaction of knowing I was truly helping a young person. I would mark into the night, spend hours perfecting a lesson or making resources, run clubs and go on trips and… There was no line between my job and who I was. I was a teacher.
Now I am a mother. And I keep giving.
I have held my pale and whimpering baby as she struggles for breath in a stark hospital room, while emailing cover, one-handed from my phone. I have sent my wailing toddler to nursery with a fever of 40 because the anxiety and workload of having a day off is too much to bear, and there is nobody else to watch him. I have stayed late to finish some marking or talk to a student even though the hours until bedtime are ticking away, and those precious moments with my children are painfully fleeting. I have marked with my daughter crying at my feet because there are deadlines that have to be met. I have cried too, stroking her hair with my free hand, desperately seeking to comfort her distress.
I have felt the hot spike of shame and regret when my absence – my failing – pushes a stressed colleague closer to breaking point and I have despaired that there is nothing – nothing- I can do about it. I have taught a five period day followed by a parents’ evening on two hours sleep and felt sick with exhaustion and overwhelmed with heartache that I didn’t get to kiss my children goodnight.
I have felt like a bad mother. I have felt like a bad teacher. I have felt like there is no way to give enough time, enough effort, enough of me, to both. I feel like I am not enough. Because both roles are all-consuming. At times, it has nearly broken me.
In the short years since I started my family, not long after the coalition government came to power, I have seen the monitoring and paperwork that my colleagues and I have to endure increase in volume and perceived importance. I have seen us all struggle to keep up with three specification changes and an end to re-sits. I have seen the number of times I am observed increase from three times a year to nearer three times a term. I have seen testing increase and the content we are asked to teach become more prescriptive.
In the wake of all this extra pressure, I have seen my pay, which barely covers my childcare costs, become performance-based, meaning that prioritising my students over my own children becomes even more difficult to avoid, even when there is only so much I can do to ensure the exam success of my pupils.
I have seen my planning time taken away, my contact time increase, my pension reduced, and my school’s budget cut. But I keep giving. We all keep giving, in the face of our time, our resources, our rights, even our sanity being taken away. I have been treated for stress and anxiety and witnessed colleagues suffer similarly.
More than this, as a parent, my profession is taking something far, far more precious from me: the brief years when my children really need me.
A friend recently spoke to me about the possibly of changing careers, now that she is a mother. Teaching really appeals she says – because of the long holidays with the children and school hours. “Teaching is so family friendly.”
I stare at her, open-mouthed, for a moment or two.
Teaching is not family friendly at all, I say, sadly. Maybe it was, once. For me, teaching is constantly in conflict with my family life. There’s just no way to be a mother and a teacher and feel successful at both. Every single day, I feel like I am letting someone down. I am stretched thin, like butter scraped over too much bread. I honestly don’t know how long I can sustain it. I still love my subject, enjoy sharing that love with students and watching them grow and achieve – but ultimately I love my own children more and letting them down makes me hate myself.
So why am I still in the profession, I hear you ask? It’s simple; I am a teacher. I don’t know how to be anything else. I am also a mother and I can’t be anything else. Unless we can make teaching family friendly again, I am doomed to be in conflict with myself indefinitely, or leave the profession. Whether I can manage the huge weight of my conflicting responsibilities and pressures remains to be seen.
Today, I left my little girl wracked with coughs and sobs, tears streaming down her face, and I went to work – though every fibre of my being begged me to stay, to comfort, to be a mother.
Today, I hate myself.
Today, I feel like my teaching days are numbered.
Since writing this post, I have left teaching. To read about how I came to this decision, and the outcome, take a look at these posts:
‘Teaching: a break-up letter.’
I have also discovered that I am autistic, and was diagnosed in April 2019:
An Adult Autism Diagnosis at 37
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Someone's Mum 
I feel your pain. I cracked under the weight of it all and left. It’s a struggle financially, but the physical weight off my shoulders was immense. I don’t know if I can ever go back. I’m so glad to have this time with my girls and only wish there was another way around things. I hope your update contains a happier you xxx
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Full time work what ever it is and parenting ,in my opinion, don’t mix -I have found that too,and it became stressful so I went part time. I would imagine Teaching is never just 8-3.30 .The hours are whatever you need to put in for marking, parents evenings, training ,extra after school activities and always planning your next day. I cant imagine how you juggled that with looking after your babies
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The guilt/juggling isn’t limited to teachers+it isn’t limited to mums either. Dads experience this too. However, how many jobs require work to be brought home? If I’m not up late at night after the kids go to bed, marking, planning, filling in endless assessments then I’m setting the alarm for 5am. Yes, teaching is a vocation +there’s that old joke… when teachers were asked to sum up in 2 words what inspired them to come into the profession? ….JULY and AUGUST but it just doesn’t have the same appeal now I’m a mum. To those who say get your priorities right+go part time, it’s not always as easy as that. Not all heads will allow it. What about single mums? A part timers wage isn’t enough to pay the mortgage! In tears reading your touching post
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Please be a teacher in the home schooling community. Parents want tutors to help their children with Maths, English and Science to do their GCSE’s. The parents are responsible for the children education, and paying you. You can concentrate on teaching again and on a smaller ratio with hours to suit your family. Homeschooler’s are also looking for the best for their kids they may have taken their children because they are behind and school is moving to fast for them, bullying, anxiety, illness, lifestyle choice, special needs or religion. Think about it the states loss could be HE’d gain.
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I am glad you have found a way to have more balance but it is so sad to have to leave your vocation. Something I am currently struggling with
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I could have written this post. It sums up exactly how I feel with a extremely tough class. I’ve just cried all night because I misread something my own children were to have today for school because I’m not truly functioning and doing anything properly anymore. I just don’t know how to make things better other than to leave. It is a slight comfort knowing I’m not alone.
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I could have written this post. It sums up exactly how I feel with a extremely tough class. I’ve just cried all night because I misread something my own children were to have today for school because I’m not truly functioning and doing anything properly anymore. I just don’t know how to make things better other than to leave. It is a slight comfort knowing I’m not alone.
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I have only just come across this post but it has summed up a lot of my worries about my impending return to work.
I have decided to go back 3 days a week which will hurt financially but I can’t see how I can do anything else as 5 days a week would certainly remove any chance of me feeling like a human being let alone a mother. I love working with the students and I understand many of the decisions my line managers have to take and I empathise with them as the pressures are so profound at every level.
I will get back to you in a years’ time to let you know how I’m getting on! Off to read your linked posts about leaving now too!
Erin
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Parents also play a major role in honing the kids. Together with the school, they must be the first example to help the kids at Child Care Centres
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I found this blog post as I searched coping with teaching and being a mum. Everything you say resonates so deeply with me. I returned to work as a member of SLT after my second child. I was pressured to work full time and am completely failing at being both a mother and a teacher. Outwardly I am successful and at work you would never know that I cry most nights knowing that it is my own children that are suffering so I can perform at the expected level at school. I can’t leave, I am the main breadwinner. My husband who is also in teaching will not leave and we can’t afford him to anyway. I am lost. We have been back two weeks and already my eldest child is anxious and sad that mummy doesn’t do the drop off at school. I missed the first meet the teacher meeting as I wasn’t allowed to leave my school early. I missed the first day of school because I wasn’t allowed to arrive late. My husband and I bicker at the weekend about who needs to work more and life constantly gets in the way. I hate it but I am trapped. Something needs to change in this profession. You cannot be working 65hours a week and hold a family together. Most people have no idea about the reality of teaching.
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I have been teaching for 20 years. I had my first child 18 years ago, my second 15 years ago and have a 4 month old daughter, my unexpected third child! I will return to work next week and have returned when each of my children were between 4 and 5 months. That Teachers get a great maternity package is a popular misconception. As the main earner, we simply can’t survive on SMP alone so I have to return to work way before I feel ready. In comparison with the NHS, teachers receive less in terms of paid leave. However, I’m a glass half full kind of person and I like to look at the positives too. The holidays are wonderful and my big kids tell me about how they always remember me being home for all of the holidays. I’ve missed many sports days and concerts over the years but I’ve always been there on Christmas day, many parents work Christmas, my husband does. Summer holidays are amazing and give chance for making many happy memories as well as enjoyment of simple things such as cooking from scratch and having breakfast together. Weekends are also precious and many people have to work them too. The workload is an issue as well as the pressure especially at lesson observation times. It isn’t all wonderful or ideal. Thing is though, bills and mortgages need to be paid and kids are expensive!! I love teaching and enjoy my work for the most part so consider myself fortunate. Best advice I can give anyone in this position is that if there isn’t a choice financially then to make the best of it and prioritise because you can’t do everything perfectly. Also treasure every little moment with your children, all the little things. That said, I will be sobbing leaving my precious baby on Monday.
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I completely understand your situation as it was in a very similar situation a few years ago. I choose to give more time to my family and decided to homeschool my children . I wouldn’t have to sacrifice my family for teaching or put them through the same educational system that I didn’t agree with. Wishing you all the best in your journey!
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