I recently returned to my profession of twelve years after my second period of maternity leave: English teaching. I am the mother of two tiny people, a girl, aged one and a boy, aged three.
Parenthood is a job that requires us to give up almost all of our time and energy for the well-being of another. Teachers too are, by nature, givers. The desire to help others, to give something of ourselves up for their inspiration, their betterment, is at the heart of belonging in the classroom. So we find ourselves giving. And giving. And giving.
When I was a young and idealistic teacher, the pressures of the job were a price I was willing to pay for the unrivalled satisfaction of knowing I was truly helping a young person. I would mark into the night, spend hours perfecting a lesson or making resources, run clubs and go on trips and… There was no line between my job and who I was. I was a teacher.
Now I am a mother. And I keep giving.
I have held my pale and whimpering baby as she struggles for breath in a stark hospital room, while emailing cover, one-handed from my phone. I have sent my wailing toddler to nursery with a fever of 40 because the anxiety and workload of having a day off is too much to bear, and there is nobody else to watch him. I have stayed late to finish some marking or talk to a student even though the hours until bedtime are ticking away, and those precious moments with my children are painfully fleeting. I have marked with my daughter crying at my feet because there are deadlines that have to be met. I have cried too, stroking her hair with my free hand, desperately seeking to comfort her distress.
I have felt the hot spike of shame and regret when my absence – my failing – pushes a stressed colleague closer to breaking point and I have despaired that there is nothing – nothing- I can do about it. I have taught a five period day followed by a parents’ evening on two hours sleep and felt sick with exhaustion and overwhelmed with heartache that I didn’t get to kiss my children goodnight.
I have felt like a bad mother. I have felt like a bad teacher. I have felt like there is no way to give enough time, enough effort, enough of me, to both. I feel like I am not enough. Because both roles are all-consuming. At times, it has nearly broken me.
In the short years since I started my family, not long after the coalition government came to power, I have seen the monitoring and paperwork that my colleagues and I have to endure increase in volume and perceived importance. I have seen us all struggle to keep up with three specification changes and an end to re-sits. I have seen the number of times I am observed increase from three times a year to nearer three times a term. I have seen testing increase and the content we are asked to teach become more prescriptive.
In the wake of all this extra pressure, I have seen my pay, which barely covers my childcare costs, become performance-based, meaning that prioritising my students over my own children becomes even more difficult to avoid, even when there is only so much I can do to ensure the exam success of my pupils.
I have seen my planning time taken away, my contact time increase, my pension reduced, and my school’s budget cut. But I keep giving. We all keep giving, in the face of our time, our resources, our rights, even our sanity being taken away. I have been treated for stress and anxiety and witnessed colleagues suffer similarly.
More than this, as a parent, my profession is taking something far, far more precious from me: the brief years when my children really need me.
A friend recently spoke to me about the possibly of changing careers, now that she is a mother. Teaching really appeals she says – because of the long holidays with the children and school hours. “Teaching is so family friendly.”
I stare at her, open-mouthed, for a moment or two.
Teaching is not family friendly at all, I say, sadly. Maybe it was, once. For me, teaching is constantly in conflict with my family life. There’s just no way to be a mother and a teacher and feel successful at both. Every single day, I feel like I am letting someone down. I am stretched thin, like butter scraped over too much bread. I honestly don’t know how long I can sustain it. I still love my subject, enjoy sharing that love with students and watching them grow and achieve – but ultimately I love my own children more and letting them down makes me hate myself.
So why am I still in the profession, I hear you ask? It’s simple; I am a teacher. I don’t know how to be anything else. I am also a mother and I can’t be anything else. Unless we can make teaching family friendly again, I am doomed to be in conflict with myself indefinitely, or leave the profession. Whether I can manage the huge weight of my conflicting responsibilities and pressures remains to be seen.
Today, I left my little girl wracked with coughs and sobs, tears streaming down her face, and I went to work – though every fibre of my being begged me to stay, to comfort, to be a mother.
Today, I hate myself.
Today, I feel like my teaching days are numbered.
Since writing this post, I have left teaching. To read about how I came to this decision, and the outcome, take a look at these posts:
‘Teaching: a break-up letter.’
I have also discovered that I am autistic, and was diagnosed in April 2019:
An Adult Autism Diagnosis at 37
***
Someone's Mum 
I was so moved by this post. I left teaching in 2008 after the birth of my son, and since then I have received a lot of pressure to return to teaching (and criticism for not returning), but I know that I can’t (nothing against anyone who chooses to return- it was just something I knew I couldn’t do). I’ve never really been able to put into words why it wouldn’t be the right choice for me to go back, but you did. Thank you for sharing this, and for being brave enough to put yourself out there to the judgment and criticism of others. Know that you touched my heart in writing this, and that your words even helped me to understand myself a little better. Hugs to you, from one momma to another.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing these vulnerable thoughts, as a mother and as a teacher. I am also as teacher, 14 years in, with my own 4 year old son. Every word you stated vibrated through my bones. Many people have made comments about going part time or job-sharing, but in the U.S., healthcare tends to be (but not always!) the best through the school systems/gvt. Therefore while I might have thought about going part-time or resigning my position, it is inevitable that as the family member with health care I must stay in my position. Plus…I love my students!! The job requires all of those extra nights, plus 6-8 more nights a year as a performance arts teacher…and figuring out those daycare/early evening details is a nightmare. Now that writing and reading demands have entered the American arts curriculum, arts teachers are evaluated on those items as well as their external “performances” of the students executing their musical education as well. It’s insane and my poor son has been very gracious in his few short years on earth.
LikeLike
Same here “across the pond” in the US being a full time art teacher and parent is exhausting at times. We give and give, but I try to remain positive and focus on those little moments where students appreciate me, or they can use my room and art as an emotional release, or students say, “hey you’re a good artist you should be a art teacher, hahaha”, and when I pick up my little girl from Nana’s she’s excited to see me.
LikeLike
Quit, you won’t be happy until you do.
LikeLike
This was 100% me. I’ve been teaching and I can say I’m FINALLY quitting and I’ve NEVER been more happy about it!!! If you are looking for another option full of teachers who have felt EXACTLY the way you do check out my story. Thanks for sharing!!!
Love and prayers to you!
LikeLike
I also taught for a year, and left when I had my first born. I thought I would go back, but I didn’t. I just couldn’t bear to leave my baby, and then my kids, as time went by.
As they started school… I longed to teach them myself. I am a teacher after all.
Finally, I did bring them home to school.
It’s not perfect. But, it works for us. And I do really enjoy teaching them.
I can’t imagine going back to the classroom and trying to juggle it all.
I respectfully offer to you the option to consider homeschooling your own children, instead of putting your children in childcare, and schooling other people’s children.
Wow, that sounded very judgmental. It totally wasn’t meant that way. I applaud you for what you do, and I bet you do it better than you think! I just don’t know if you ever considered that as an alternative.
God bless!
LikeLike
My advice to you is to leave the profession ASAP! You will regret it if you don’t. Your own children need you NOW! On our death beds, no one regrets not putting in more hours in their jobs. Death bed regrets are all about loved ones/relationships. You could go back to teaching later when your own children’s needs aren’t so pressing.
LikeLike
I want to let you know that having two young children 3 and 1 is the hardest ages possible. Right now you have two kids that need constant supervision. You are doing a great job and this stage of life will not last long. If you had a third child. One of your kids would be crying at your feet and you wouldn’t be able to pick the other one up. It is a part of life kids need to learn. Becoming a mom is making you a better teacher!!! It might not seem like that. But, your understanding of the life your students and parents are molding you into a better teacher. This too shall pass and you have made it! Working while pregnant two times. Sleepless nights, fevers, ear infections, ER visits, labeling bottles, and a whole lot more. You are in the home stretch!!!! Mark your calendar. In a year from now, your littlest won’t constantly be trying to choke itself and following around a toddler who wants to climb everything. 😍 I know it doesn’t feel like it right now. But, everything will be ok and I don’t care what anyone says… Teachers who become parents are much better at their job. Thank you for all you do!!!!
LikeLike
I have been a teacher for the past 11 years and I have 4 children, age6-14. SO MANY things you wrote are exactly how I have been feeling. Thank you for your brave honesty. Oftentimes, we feel the pressure to act as if we are superhuman and pretend life is awesome and we are ruling it. In addition to all you said, imagine the pressure once your kids start school and you (and others) start judging how well they do, because, you know, their mom is a teacher. I put in my resignation last month to take effect at the end of the year. I have no other job lined up, so it is a leap of faith. Just yesterday I started doubting myself and that decision, and this morning I found this on my FB page. So thank you. I wish you peace and happiness.
LikeLike
Wow! This describes the exact future I had dreaded before leaving teaching after 11 years to look after my first baby. I knew that I could not do both even working 4 days which was reluctantly offered! I’m so much happier now, I hope you find the strength to pack it in, it’s not easy and why should you when you’re a bloody good teacher? X
LikeLike
Oh, sweet young mother. If you have a husband, continue to take a break from teaching. Take in a few children in your home. Love your own children. Go back to teaching when you are called to do so.
LikeLike
My mother and father were teachers, so was my grandfather, and ten of my aunts and uncles. Six cousins are teachers. And my daughter is in her final year in the university to become an English teacher. Teachers are wonderful parents – curious, patient, (sometimes a bit pedantic, lol), encouraging, implicated – I can’t say enough good things about teachers as parents (and grandparents). Coming from a family of teachers, my heart went out to you. You are obviously a marvelous teacher, and caring, loving mother. There really is no better combination. What you seem to lack is support. My parents had the support system of both their families and friends. Perhaps you can find a support system around you, to take some of the pressure off? I know that when my daughter will start work, she will need enormous support, and I know our family will be there for her.
LikeLike
I’m a teacher and a mom of anew 8 year old boy. I totally agree with you. Many first day of a new school year have come and gone where I’ve had to welcome my new students and missed my own son’s first day. Sometimes holding back the tears is the hardest part.
LikeLike
You (sadly) have nailed what I’ve been struggling with over the past few years as well. There simply is no way to do both, be a mother and teacher, at a level that is “good enough” to live up to my own (and others) expectations. The weight of it feels unbearable at times. You are not alone.
LikeLike
My daughter just turned one, and I can relate with so much of what you said. Where I teach in the U.S., part-time is not an option. It’s all-or-nothing. I feel like I’m failing at parenting, and at teaching. I’m contemplating quitting my job after this year, because it’s all too much, and I don’t want to have to choose anymore. I love my job, but I love my daughter more. It’s really unfortunate that we have to choose.
LikeLike
Ditto my life and dilemma two years ago. I am now a homeschooling mum as I can no longer sacrifice my family for teaching nor put my children through the same system. Best wishes to you
LikeLike
I was a teacher for 7 years before I tapped out. Now, as a mom of a toddler with another on the way, I couldn’t be more confident of my decision. My quality of life as a teacher was terrible. And now, when my daughter gets sick, I can stay home and not feel like my world will fall apart. I can focus on her and my family when I need to because work literally can wait. Best decision I’ve ever made was to quit teaching. And I was good at it and loved it. But it wasn’t worth the cost any more. Good luck!
LikeLike
I’ve been teaching middle school Language Arts for 11 years…8 of which I’ve had children. JUST this year, I had an epiphany. Nothing weird happened to me, but it was as if a calmness came over me. Nothing at school upsets me like it used to. I don’t feel rushed. I don’t get rattled. I grade things ONLY that are critical. I conference more than grade…that interaction is more valuable. Behavior problems don’t shake me anymore, and I feel more confident with parents. I feel at peace…and in balance. I wish you the same! (Maybe it comes with age?? And gray hair?)
LikeLike
This is exactly the reason I left teaching for 11 years after the birth of my second child. I have now been back for 6 years and I’m so glad I stayed at home with our young family. I too have stared open mouthed at people who think teaching fits perfectly with a family and listened to the comments about how many weeks holidays teachers get. Well, I for one have not been knocked over in the rush by those who want to become a teacher.
LikeLike
I’m baffled. I know I read this and shared it on my social media at the time as I thought it was such an incredible piece and many of my friends are teachers (who commented saying they related). Anyway, can’t see my comment so leaving one here. x
LikeLike
You are not alone. I don’t have children to care for after my usual 8am to 4pm job part time at secondary school in Scotland but I am a tutor after school for four hours each night. I don’t have enough private pupils to go self employed for the moment. I have been doing temporary teaching positions for the last eight years. I am due to give up on the offer of staying on after the summer holidays – I have waited long enough for a permanent job in secondary teaching and I’m sick to death of the adverts that wrongly misinform the public that schools “are crying out for teachers.” There is far too much paper work to do now and not enough contact time with pupils. Councils have cut funding for many extra curricular activities, too. As teachers we should be there for the pupils, but now we are supposed to carry out the job that the PT of departments are being paid extra to already do. I’m not having any more of that, especially since my salary should be close to £30000 a year versus the PT who gets £42000 to £45000. I barely get half of that on temporary posts of teaching whilst schools jump on supply teaching to eliminate holiday pay and take on NQT teachers as it is a cheaper salary to pay out. Education is compromised by government funding and in turn it is the young people in schools who are suffering.
LikeLike
I share your sentiment. A teacher today doesn’t just teach anymore.
You’re buried in paperwork and administrative duties, and the act of imparting knowledge only constitutes a small portion of the time you actually spend in school.
For many, teaching has become a ‘job’.
I wonder if school can ever be fun again…
LikeLike
This is a beautiful but sad post. But you are absolutely right and whilst I’ve never found it to be quite as tough as you describe splitting time from family and school, I have applied for a career break. I now only have half a day to go and then I will have two years to focus on my daughter. I feel very lucky that I’m able to do this and grateful to my loving husband who knows that this is right for our family despite the fact he now may have to work harder and seek promotions to make ends meet. But I’m so happy we have this choice. Good luck with school, enjoy your holidays, rest up, hug those babies and enjoy family time! x
LikeLike
Dear Mum,
Your post has touched my heart and my soul because I know exactly how you feel. I’m a teacher, and a mum of two, a girl 4.5 yo, and a boy 15 mo. Everything you have written, I could have written it without changing one punctuation mark! I went back to work after my second mat leave, in a part time basis because I already knew that I couldn’t cope with a full-time one. But even though I tried my hardest, I felt like you describe and that I wasn’t able to be either a good mum or a good teacher (and let’s forget being a good wife!). After only a few months I decided I had enough and that my children and husband were worth more than any amount of money. We cut down on a lot of things and I’m looking at a different career path, one that we’ll be truly “family friendly”. Our kids will soon need us differently but for now, presence is the key. Please, please, don’t beat yourself up because you are struggling,m: right now, every single mum/teacher I know is in the same position and I’ve stopped counting the ones who have decided to give up the job. I hope you will be able to find a solution because I can understand the pain you’re going through as I went through it myself. Hang in there, you’re not alone! N.
LikeLike
Thank you for such a thoughtful and kind comment! I am leaving at the end of the year and not sure what I am going to do/how we are going to survive yet but I am hopeful we can find a way to strike a better balance. Thanks so much again. x
LikeLike
Am living this life almost exactly. 8 month old and two year old. English teacher full time. Tough going x
LikeLike
I think most jobs cause conflict if you are a mother. I know I returned to work from maternity leave and no longer have the job I used to have. I spend my days at work not fulfilled – no longer have that sense of self at work, and go home and feel utterly terrible that I’m not fulfilling my job as mother properly either. I don’t know what the answer is. It’s not quitting, but stumbling through, and keeping all the plates spinning, I guess.
Much love and best wishes to you. I hope you get some time to relax and to play, because in my experience a little time away from the stresses can help me manage them better.
LikeLike
I am both sad and glad to read your comment that you are leaving your profession at the end of the year. Sad that students will lose a clearly caring teacher but glad that you will no longer feel so torn or so guilty.
The whole family will benefit from this decision. X
LikeLike
This really struck a cord with me I am back at work after becoming a Mum for a first time and I know how hard this is going to be but like you say I am a teacher and know nothing else and I am a mother by my choice. I just hope it will get easier.
LikeLike
I was feeling exactly like you and therefore handed my notice in and left my teaching post at the end of the July summer holidays. It was the best decision I ever made and I am so thankful that I now get to spend so much time with my 2 year old son. I still do 2 days supply a week as my husband is self employed but can now go home and forget about work. I have a lot less money but yesterday we walked to the shop together and sat on a bench eating a picnic watching the world go by, moments like this with your little one are so precious and everyday I remind myself of how fortunate I am. You’re not alone xx
LikeLike
Hi! Thank you for taking the time to write this amazing post about your struggles in the balancing act as a teacher and a mom. Your post was spot on.
I am a Speech-Language Pathologist who worked for a school district for 12 years and resigned this summer in order to market for a clinic. I also have 2 children (12 year old girl and a 10 year old boy) and found that I could no longer give as much was asked if me and be able to continue to sacrifice my family life. The vacation time was no longer worth it and neither was the stress.
My heart ached for you when you said you felt that you couldn’t do anything else. Please know that I believe in you! I know there is a job out there that you will find that will allow you the opportunity to balance both work and family.
Best of luck to you!
LikeLike
After feeling like this for three years (from the time I adopted my two children as a single mom and things simultaneously became more difficult at work) , I finally found a teaching job where I can be a human and a parent while still excelling at my teaching job: resource. I don’t have to write lesson plans or grade. Even better, I was able to convince my boss that having me for four days a week was better than not having me at all. It is very, very rare to find family-friendly teaching jobs these days, but be on the lookout. They do exist! (Although I do have to say I took a $10,000 pay cut just to work one less day a week. 🤔)
LikeLike
Wow. This is my life. I went into teaching because it’s so “great for moms”. BS. There isn’t one teacher at my school who leaves before 5. Honestly the teachers who love it at my school aren’t mom’s or they are grandmas. I just don’t have enough to give to everyone, and the weight of student success is crushing.
LikeLike
Lovely writing there. I didn’t have any idea what teaching is like but now I know. Very well delivered piece.
LikeLike
I am on my way to burn out and dearly want to stay in the game! I’m FS leader, SENCo, DSL and teach FS. Am doingthd SENCo award this year and have a pre school age child of my own. Am on a variety of medication (including benzodiazepines) ,that I wish I wasn’t, just to try and stay afloat. But the stress and anxiety is crippling and without it SuperWoman would be a failing mess on the floor.
LikeLike
I changed districts this year and the very first day of school my 20 year old had a fever of 103 and was very sick. I was so torn. Thank goodness I have a best friend who took care of him for the day. Got him to the doc, got him his meds, and looked after him.
LikeLike
Wow ! I’ve just started my PGCE and the workload from placement 1 was just so overwhelming. I can see myself feeling the same way as you in the foreseeable future . I have therefore decided that I love teaching , but not enough to sacrifice my life . So I will finish the course and perhaps try supply . Life is too god damn short , to do a job that strips you of everything .
LikeLike
When my first daughter was born I went back to work as head of a large faculty, I realised very quickly I could not bear to leave my child and was extremely fortunate that my husband at that very moment changed jobs and took a pay rise which allowed me to be a stay at home mum – something I have never regretted. During the next 10 years I did supply teaching and marked exam papers took the odd temporary terms post and even shelf stacked in Sainsburys’s at night to keep the wolf from the door as the pay rise didn’t quite keep up with costs. Finally I returned on contract to a part time teaching job where I have now been for 17 years, to be honest I now work 0.7 but actually work double that (like all teachers) and despite being part time cannot keep up with the marking and preparation of the new specs, the paperwork and admin. My husband now complains how I work all weekend and most evenings. I could never have worked full time in today’s teaching environment and been a mum. You have my every sympathy. If you can find some flexible childcare try doing supply, and examining work – I remember marking papers late at night when the girls were in bed and early the next morning , English lends itself to tutoring my subject didn’t- also think about a temporary job like evening work at a supermarket… just for a while which will enable you to be a mum. The one thing teaching does have going for it is you can go back to it later – as you say you cannot get those precious years back. OK so I’m not a headteacher – the path I was on, and yes my pension is looking positively scary but I have 2 wonderful daughters both extremely successful in their own fields and I can look back on their childhood knowing I was there, I have also clawed my way up the examining ladder during that time which is opening other doors now.
LikeLike
American teachers hear you- we are under the same pressures as we try to work within unrealistic expectations that we can fix all of societies ills with higher test scores. Our families fans our bodiesh take the hits too no matter what our employment sitution is.
LikeLike
I am one of those people who left my profession and chose to go into teaching because it is “family-friendly”. I spent eight years in my first profession and 10 in teaching. I can say with absolute certainty that I made the right choice for my family. There are a maximum of two times per year when I have to stay late for parent interviews. Other than that I leave when the school day is over. When my children are in bed or busy doing other things I finish my marking, planning and report writing. Teaching has given me time with my children that I never would have had in my other profession. We will all have mommy guilt no matter what. It is the fact that you leave your children to care for other people’s children that makes teachers feel an increased mommy guilt. But I know that when I leave my children to provide the best education I can for other people’s kids, I rest assured that other teachers are doing the same for my children. The issue is not being a teacher or the amount of work that teachers have. It is a society that does not value motherhood. It is a society where two income families are a necessity to survive and for others, to accumulate more and more stuff. Where has it all gotten us? Today is the last day of my two week vacation and I spent the best quality time with my kids, while other people had to work. I was home preparing dinners, inviting family over, wrapping presents, tobogganing, shopping and enjoying the heck out of this holiday. I wish that every teacher posting memes of how awful it is to return to work, stop and consider all of the moms who worked Christmas eve and Christmas day and missed out on special moments with their kids. I wish that teachers would quit complaining or get out of this profession. I wish it was mandatory that to go to teacher’s college you have to do a minimum of five years of full time work in a “real” job so that you appreciate the privilege of working as a teacher.
LikeLike
You are very lucky that your experience of teaching allows you this. Mine didn’t. I have another career now and I can say very clearly that my quality of life has drastically improved. I am out of the profession. Please don’t just assume that your experience is the same as mine. For a start we are in totally different education system I assume from your vocabulary. I was a UK teacher and when working full time I spent over 70 hours a week working and had many, many more late evenings than you describe. The job made me mentally ill. I am no someone who doesn’t recognise the value of teaching. I am someone who has been worn down by a system that hasn’t valued me for years. Thanks for commenting.
LikeLike
I absolutely agree and feel exactly the same way. My heart breaks on an almost daily basis when my one year old son begs for my attention and I have so much school work to catch up on. It feels impossible to be a good teacher and a good mom at the same time.
LikeLike
TBH I struggle with the guilty just blogging and being flexible with the kids – there’s just so many demands everywhere – never mind something as committed as teaching. I am glad you were able to leave.
LikeLike
I am a retired nurse from the USA. I must tell you that all of this can be related to by every working mom- even all these years apart, and completely different professions, different countries. It is about the myth of having it all as a women. My generation thought we were changing things. Wrong! We just added all this stress and angst to all women!
LikeLike
You can never understand it till you have been there, it cost my my marriage, my eldest son and my mental health but hey, like the blog says, I am a teacher, I know nothing else. I wonder at what point teachers have the guts to stand together and say enough is enough?
LikeLike
Unfortunately this isn’t limited to teaching, it applies to most jobs these days in this economic climate. Most working mothers experience a lot of what you’ve said.
LikeLike