One of the first things anyone asks when I reveal that I received an autism diagnosis at age 37 is “What’s the point of getting that at your age?” Sometimes it comes with an undercurrent of scepticism – “Well you got by for this long… it must be pretty mild.” Sometimes there is disbelief or… Read More
As an autistic adult who was not diagnosed until she was thirty-seven, it is so often the subtle differences in communication, processing and assumptions that have led to a breakdown in relationships with neurotypical friends. I feel like I am a good person – I am empathetic, generous, honest. But if I count the number… Read More
It’s official – I’m a bad listener. In the white-hot energy of an introductory conversation, I will not ask you questions. I won’t inquire about your work, your family, the ages of your children. I know which questions should be asked. They press on my chest, tug at my sleeve, get stuck on my tongue.… Read More
I am anxious. I’m anxious about the virus. I’m anxious about medical tests and the fact that I have not had any work this month. I am anxious about money and the future and about the driving I have to do tomorrow and how my son will cope with exams and my daughter’s cough… and… Read More
There is an expectation, an implication, a pressure when you are the parent of an autistic child. Sometimes that pressure is very clear – when a therapist forces a child to make eye contact, for example. Sometimes it is unspoken but felt. It can come from relatives, professionals and the general public alike. It is… Read More
I have not left you crying in a very, very long time, gorgeous boy. This morning I did. I left your classroom as tears were streaming down your face. I left you in anguish. The knowledge will sit with me, like a stone in my gut, until I collect you again. I know you will… Read More
I may not be as vocal as you, gorgeous boy, but uncertainty scares me just as much as it scares you. When you started school, the weight returned. The unanswered questions pressed down on my chest. The heaviness of our responsibility made my movements feel slow, sluggish. When you were distraught, when you told me… Read More
This is not a post about climate change. This is not a post about the ecological nightmare that our planet is facing. It probably should be. We should probably be united, screaming about climate change, screaming about the plastic in our oceans, screaming about the thousands, hundreds of thousands, of animals facing extinction. After all,… Read More
We are luckier than many, when it comes to sleep. After a rocky start, like most babies, my boy started sleeping through the night at around 18 months. And so it has been since then, for the most part. Oh, there have been times of illness and stress, patches where he wakes frequently in the… Read More
I first began to suspect I might be autistic about a year after my son was diagnosed. I have always had a tendency to obsess and hyperfocus on topics that catch my interest. Learning about autism, and adult autism diagnosis, was no exception. As a result, I read everything I could around the subject. And,… Read More
Little boy, I cannot lie to you. I know the status that truth holds, in your beautiful and remarkable mind. It is the greatest imperative, essential for peace of mind, for the world to keep spinning. I know. I love the truth too. I have learned to live with lies, to use them, if I… Read More
When I was seven, I had a ruptured appendix that resulted in peritonitis and gangrene. I was in the hospital for a month, had weeks off school, and even when I returned, I could not play outside or do PE (I liked that bit.) While I was in hospital, I received a delivery from my… Read More