A boy and a girl stand in front of a Christmas tree, holding hands, smiles beaming. They are dressed smartly, in tartan and check. The boy is in blue and the girl in red. Behind them, the lights of the tree twinkle and glow. Red and gold baubles glint against the green. A perfect scene.… Read More
I can’t just say “I’m autistic”. I have no diagnosis (I am.) (Update: diagnosis received April 2019) but even if I did, I could not just say it. When I upset people, I can’t just say it. When people react in ways that I do not understand, I cannot just say it. When I am… Read More
In January 2016, just under three years ago, I started this blog. My son had been diagnosed with autism a few months earlier, I was struggling to cope with an autistic three year-old and a nearly one year-old with severe reflux, and I was in a teaching job that was slowly eating away at my… Read More
Motherhood changed me fundamentally. Almost from the moment my tiny son was placed in my arms, I knew the world would never be the same again. My purpose, my reason for being, shifted. Instantly, the world was more terrifying and more amazing. Joy was exquisite. Pain and fear were all-encompassing. When I fell pregnant with… Read More
At the school Christmas Fair, on benches decorated with red and green, a boy is howling and screaming at his little sister. You may see his mother, whispering into his ear, holding him tight, as he flinches and kicks out and wails. The small girl beside him is sobbing. The mother and father try to… Read More
Yesterday, we got the letter asking us to register Littlest for school in September. How can that be? It was a heartbeat ago that she was in my arms, just a breath since the letter came for her brother. It is strange – Preschool seemed to stretch out for him, to take forever and yet… Read More
Last week, Biggest turned six. We often struggle to find things to get him at Christmas and on his birthday. He has never been a fan of conventional toys and sometimes struggles with motor skills, making some toys tricky. This year, however, he has such a passion for Minecraft, that it was much easier to… Read More
My children are not quite six and not quite four – and they are respectively autistic and neurotypical. Littlest knows that her brother is different – she has said as much to me. She knows he plays differently, reacts differently, that he is not like “the other boys and girls.” She sees that he is… Read More
Over a year ago, when we first met with the headteacher of my son’s future primary school, she made some promises. Many people told me that she would not keep those promises, that schools these days care little for the provision of their SEN pupils, that I would see, in time, that her assurances were… Read More
At this time, exactly three years ago, someone I had just met told me that you may never do the things that other children do. They watched you play and wrote things down on clipboards. They asked me questions about when you walked, when you talked, about what you like and dislike. They watched videos… Read More
At 3.08 am, I hear your first scream. The fluorescent light from the cabin bathroom is flickering unpleasantly, giving the cramped room a strange, nightmarish quality – but we cannot turn off the lights or you will not sleep at all. “Sweetheart – everything is okay. You are safe. We are on the big boat.”… Read More
Sometimes, when we need shopping mid-week, we tie it in with tea time and the children pick a meal in the supermarket café. For them, it is a dizzying experience, provoking jumps of joy and jubilant chanting. In the last six months, we have been three times. The first time, in the winter, they did… Read More