Let it be a good day…

Let it be a good day…

It is 2.54 pm. I am standing outside the school gates. Other parents are gathered around, but they seem distant, their voices muffled. A few words drift by me…

“Ohhh yes, mine is just like that since turning five! Sounds like we are in the same boat…”

It is hard to join in. It is hard to grasp those flimsy scraps of common ground, hard to tune out my own voice, resounding, repeating in my head:

“Please let it be a good day. Please let him be happy. Please let it be a good day. Please.”

The gates are opened and we all move forwards. Parents carrying bikes and scooters to be ridden home squeeze past me. As I approach the classroom door, my heart begins to beat faster. My chest tightens. The mantra in my head is getting louder, the chanting voice sounds more desperate. I lean forwards to peek through the windows, impatient for a sign, something to tell me which way the day has gone. Is he with the other children or alone? Has he retreated to the reading corner, the place he always feels the safest? Is he clinging to an adult? Is he smiling?

But today the blinds are drawn. I cannot see into the classroom. I must wait.

“Please. Please let it be a good day. Please let him have tried and played and joined in. Please don’t let him have been scared. Please, let him not have lashed out.”

Sometimes, those doors open and he is the last to emerge. Sometimes, his eyes are glazed and surrounded by dark circles. Sometimes, the look on his TA’s face is enough and I know. I know it has been a difficult day. Sometimes, his teacher must speak with me and huge, warm tears hit my hands as I hold his, and listen. Sometimes, the walk home is unbearable, as he sobs and struggles to breathe and begs me not to send him tomorrow.

Sometimes, that walk is the hardest walk of my life.

But not today.

He is at the front of the queue, his jumper bursting with brightly coloured stickers. ‘Well done! Good Job!’ Smiley faces. His TA is grinning.

“Mummy! Mummy! I had such a good day! Mrs – , didn’t I have such a good day?!”

He is breathless, beaming, jumping and stimming and flapping with excitement. And the voice in my head is singing with joy.

I listen as she recounts the details of his day. He tried activities of someone else’s choosing. He interacted with the other children and did not get too distressed when they did not behave exactly as he wanted. He joined in with literacy, did not refuse to do PE. He had one or two wobbles but he knew when he could not take any more and self-managed well.

We walk home, hand-in-hand and we play silly word games and talk about the things around us. Wouldn’t it be funny if the sky was purple or if cars drove on the pavement and people walked in the road? Praise spills from me. He is such a brilliant, clever, brave boy. We can do whatever he would like when we get in. We sing. We pretend we are walking on jelly. The desperate voice in my head is silenced… until tomorrow.

Sometimes, the walk home is the very best part of my day.

 


 

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9 Comments

  1. 18th Jan 2018 / 12:15 pm

    Good post which resonates with me. I still feel nervous as I wait to see my now 14 year old come out of school… just waiting to read his expression. Good day or bad day – everything depends on it. And oh the joy of the happy journey home! Let’s hope for lots more good days.

  2. Kate
    18th Jan 2018 / 9:48 pm

    I am always so nervous. Sometime I don’t get eye contact with the teachers because I just can’t deal with the look. A good day fills me with joy.

    • Someone's Mum
      Author
      18th Jan 2018 / 9:50 pm

      We get through the bad days and relish the good ones. xx

  3. 22nd Jan 2018 / 1:42 pm

    Ohhh this is so happy! What a lovely post and I’m so so pleased that you have these bright positive days in amongst the not so happy ones. He is such a gorgeous boy, I’m glad he had a good day. Thanks for linking up to the #bigpinklink this week.

  4. Sarah - Mud, Cakes and wine
    23rd Jan 2018 / 5:41 pm

    As a mum of a 7 year old with asd I totally know how you feel. Is so lovely when they have had a good day and are happy and bright #bigpinklink

  5. Louise
    24th Jan 2018 / 1:36 pm

    Oh gosh, this just made me tear up. And I never cry! I know those walks well xxx

    • Someone's Mum
      Author
      31st Jan 2018 / 1:30 pm

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting. xx

  6. 30th Jan 2018 / 10:59 am

    This made me feel a little bit teary – I was there with you, at the gate. You document your boy’s boyhood so well, the struggles and the beauty. And your mamahood too. I’m so glad that you write this blog and I wish so much sometimes that we lived closer and could meet for coffee – I’d love to know you.

    • Someone's Mum
      Author
      31st Jan 2018 / 1:25 pm

      Me too! I admire you a great deal. It would be great to meet up one day. Thanks so much for dropping by. xx

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